There is a wealth of sheer depravity buried deep inside the center of the devoted boozehound that contributes largely to our debauched society. All one has to do is step contained in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous on any given day to hear rounds of checkered tales about how a lust for liquor has dragged these misplaced souls of a sudsy nation down a grave rabbit gap of uncooked canine promiscuity, authorized problems and numerous nights locked inside a foul-mouthed love affair with a rest room bowl. Indeed the grips of alcoholism is usually a schizophrenic beast with puke breath simply making an attempt to make it previous one other vicious hangover to another pleased hour. But there’s a level of no return—a rotten, stinkhole of a spot, the place the true bruisers of the bottle collect earlier than the bitters finish. This hellish scene, we’re past unhappy to report, is seemingly at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the birthplace of gravy cocktails.
Warning: You’re Going to Need a Barf Bag For This One
We lately acquired wind that the Colonel Sanders and his flock within the Bluegrass State have deemed it mandatory to get into the alcohol enterprise. But get this. The American restaurant chain plans to rip off a bit of the booze sector with a collection of alcoholic “stocktails” made out of the “thick, meaty goodness” of its notorious quick meals gravy. That’s proper, these godless fiends are mixing gravy and liquor. Of course, they’ve given the drinks intelligent names to make them socially acceptable to the downtrodden of popular culture. These fowl drinks, which have been branded The Gravy Mary, The Finger Lickin’ Sour and The Southern Twist are supposed to seem in quite a lot of bars, taverns, and hen shacks throughout the globe within the not so distant future.
You simply puked in your mouth, didn’t you? Go forward. We’ll offer you time to clear up earlier than shifting on to the subsequent paragraph.
This ridiculousness will get even higher. When making an attempt to clarify how such a greasy concept was given the inexperienced mild, one in every of KFC’s head mothercluckers had the nerve to say that as a result of “our fans repeatedly express their love for our gravy”… and since “we know our gravy is good enough to drink,” it solely is sensible that world’s most legendary hen slinger would need to market gravy cocktails. After all, there’s not sufficient gluttony and sticky sadism within the quick meals scene to maintain the eye of greasy-fingered derelicts for too lengthy. So, the Colonel figured he ought to rent an skilled mixologist and set out on a mission to slop up society even additional with a bunch of gravy drinks.
Times Are Tough, Don’t Make Them Harder By Drinking Gravy Cocktails
We really perceive and even sympathize with the stagnation that always comes from dwelling in a world that has been sucking on the enterprise finish of a tailpipe for the higher a part of the previous few many years. Every time we examine our social media pages, it’s nothing however politics, racism and the occasional cat meme. All of it simply will get so boring after some time. For some, it even takes a toll past most of our comprehension. Actress Katherine Hepburn aptly stated, “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
When you take a look at it like that, it’s completely comprehensible why the individuals of this nice nation gravitate towards the every day use of intoxicating substances. It’s not a sober world. Drugs, in all of their glory, have turn out to be as a lot of a family staple as maple syrup and ketchup. We the individuals want one thing stronger to get via the grime of the day… to make us really feel a bit of higher about our existence on this spinning rock of impending doom. But in case you are a type of dumb bastards who is definitely contemplating making Kentucky Fried Chicken’s gravy cocktails your inebriant of selection—nicely, you could have hit all-time low, my pal. The social gathering is formally over. We don’t care who you’re, it is going to by no means be cool to sit down at a bar and order gravy booze.
Perhaps It Is Time to Give Weed a Try? The Gravy-Free Treat
Marijuana is now authorized in eight states and the District of Columbia for leisure use. Even in these jurisdictions the place the herb stays the type of outlaw substance that may nonetheless get an individual jammed up within the felony justice system, it’s comparatively straightforward to be a part of the ranks of stoned society with out ever struggling a run-in with the regulation.
What’s extra is research have proven that hashish is safer than alcohol. It’s rattling positive safer than gravy! This pleasant little weed has been proven to assist individuals eat much less booze, make higher decisions and it’s incapable of driving its customers to an early grave. This means you go buck wild with weed and by no means have to concern your self with the likelihood that, by the top of the night time, you’ll get up strapped to a gurney on the native hospital, simply in time really feel what it’s like to get catheterized throughout a fleeting snippet of consciousness. Marijuana doesn’t result in such mayhem. You’ll be protected. You’ll stay to battle one other day. By all accounts, it’s the right drugs to numb out the quickly deteriorating local weather of this bloody interval referred to as the brand new millennium.
Final Hit: Considering Gravy Cocktails? Perhaps It’s Time to Start Smoking Weed
Even if an individual isn’t eager on smoking marijuana and would like a way of consumption that extra intently resembles the dance of the drunkard, there are hashish cocktails. These tasty, rip-you-out-of-the-seat-of-your-pants, voodoo concoctions are comparable to the kinky drinks individuals have been ordering for years at eating places and cocktail lounges. Only these red-eye makers are combined up with the stoned results of marijuana fairly than arduous liquor.
In reality, there is a wonderful ebook on the topic that we extremely advocate to anybody wanting to experiment with weed over whiskey. It known as “Cannabis Cocktails, Mocktails & Tonics: The Art of Spirited Drinks and Buzz-Worthy Libations.” Written by writer Warren Bobrow, it is likely one of the best-documented expeditions contained in the idea of cannabis-infused braveness to land in our laps. It incorporates round 75 recipes, every displaying the consumer step-by-step how to get stoned with class.
We are agency believers, at the least so far as this story is worried, that when an individual embraces marijuana over alcohol, then and solely then will they have the ability to take pleasure in gravy in the best way clever society meant—on mashed potatoes. And numerous them!