If you’re like me, there was a interval of time the place you forgot about sweet. Those days between being just a little child and turning into a stoney baloney. Like a childhood good friend, the 2 of you drifted aside. Maybe it even appeared such as you won’t see one another once more. But then marijuana got here knocking in your door, and was like, “YO.”
We all know sweet tastes a zillion occasions higher with the assistance of pricey previous Mary Jane. There’s so much happening within the large world of sweet, too — so let’s examine in on that extensive world, and honor these must be honored.
We proudly current The Candy Awards.
The Best All-Around Candy Bar Award: Snickers
Maybe it’s apparent. Maybe it’s cliché. In the top, although, what competes? Mr. Goodbar? Hershey’s? Twix? Okay, perhaps Twix is a strong competitor, however Twix is principally only a cookie and that’s dishonest. Snickers is simplicity at its greatest; peanuts, caramel, and chocolate. The holy trinity. Baby Ruth did actually the very same factor, and no one cares about Baby Ruth. Except for Sloth from The Goonies
The Best Sour Candy Award: Sour Patch Kids
Sour Patch Kids are ranked thusly: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green. I can’t rank Blue.
What a sweet, Sour Patch Kids. I’ve personally by no means met a human being who doesn’t like ‘em. A purple SPK is undeniably the Cadillac of bitter gummies. Now add to that the truth that their spinoff sweet, Sour Patch Watermelon, is one other grand slam. The Sour Patch Kids are unstoppable.
The Best Fruity Candy Award: Original Starburst
Starburst is such a superb sweet that I guess you forgot it’s technically a taffy. A TAFFY. Nobody likes taffy. But you want Starburst. The quantity of taste that the sorcerers at The Wrigley Company have packed into each bit is completely unreal. Sure, they go a bit wackadoo with all these tropical variations, however a basic unique Starburst is cashmoney.
The Best Peanut Butter Award: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Let’s get one factor straight from the beginning: in the event you pronounce this phrase “Ree-see”, you’re my nemesis. If you say “Ree-sees, pee-sees”, you’re my double nemesis.
Now that that’s completed, let’s speak Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. The stuff is licensed recent and would undoubtedly have a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes in the event that they reviewed sweet. The solely human beings I’ve ever recognized who don’t like RPBCs are fatally allergic to peanuts, and even then you may nonetheless in all probability persuade them to take a chew. The chocolate-peanut butter combo is a tried-and-true winner, and nowhere is that extra prevalent than within the Peanut Butter Cup. It’s Reese’s magnum opus.
The Big Red Award: Hot Tamales
Cinnamon is admittedly a divisive sweet taste, but when it’s your factor then you realize Hot Tamales are an absolute titan of the cinnamon sweet world. Just Born, the heavenly angels behind Mike & Ike’s and Zours, have used their hit semi-hard shell/chewy combo once more — and lemme inform ya. It’s a winner.
The I’m a Little Fancy Boy Award: Choward’s Violet Candy
This one is somewhat bit obscure. These guys are little violet/lavender-flavored candies and they’re weirdly good. But for those who’re strolling round consuming Choward’s Violet Candy, I’ve acquired dangerous information. You’re just a little fancy boy.
The Crispy Rice Award: Krackel
If you’re group Crunch, I perceive. The two aren’t too totally different, however Crunch’s personal hubris finally brings about its downfall. Since Krackel principally exists in chew measurement type, it’s all the time completely intact. Crunch, then again, is available in full measurement bars and all the time finally ends up being a messy little catastrophe. You pop open one of these suckers and also you’re coated in little chocolate flakes. I’m unsure what’s occurring to each Crunch bar between the manufacturing unit and your mouth, however it’s dangerous information.
The Best Name Award: Abba Zabba
I’ve by no means had an Abba Zabba, and I’m unsure I ever will. Peanut butter surrounded by creepy white taffy actually isn’t my factor. But rattling, Abba Zabba is enjoyable to say.
The Worst Name Award: Nik-L-Nips
The “candy” is horrid. The identify is worse.
The Minty Fresh Award: Life Savers Wint O Green
I’d like to start by stating that I had no concept this stuff have been spelled “Wint O Green” till proper now once I looked for “Wintergreen” and the web just about simply laughed at me.
There is an odd world the place breath mints and sweet intersect. There are few merchandise, like Mentos, that lie someplace between mint and sweet. Life Savers Wint O Green is one of them. And they’re nice.
The Outstanding Gummy in a Non-Sour Role Award: Haribo Gummy Bears
It is of DIRE significance that we make clear I’m not speaking concerning the sugar-free gummy bears. You find out about what occurs with these issues, proper? That’s a dialogue for an additional time.
Gummy bears are a basic, and Haribo is a basic. A single-serve packet is the right measurement, too. Unlike so many differing kinds of sweet that include a abdomen ache-inducing quantity of product, Haribo is supplying you with simply what you want. The individuals of Haribo are doing a effective job with their gummy bears. There’s a purpose they’re nonetheless primary.
The Best Hard Candy Award: Jolly Ranchers
Not all Jolly Rancher flavors are complete knockouts, however each purple ones — cherry and watermelon — greater than make up for the duds. The purple Jollies handle to pack masses of juicy, fruity taste into each bit with out being gross or overly candy. For those that crave a pleasant onerous sweet expertise with out eager to delve into the world of grandma-style butterscotch, attain for some Jolly Ranchers.
The Stomach Ache Award: Jelly Beans
If you eat 5 jelly beans, you’re nice. If you eat six or extra, you’ll have an eight-hour abdomen ache. There is not any center floor.
The Best Lolli Award: Sour Apple Blow Pop
I want to give honorable point out to Caramel Apple Pops, that are so a lot better than I anticipate each single time I eat one. In the top, although, just one sucker reigns supreme: Charms’ Sour Apple Blow Pop. Sure, the gum inside is scorching rubbish, however the course of of getting there’s so fantastic that who cares? What, are you not going to drink a scrumptious beer or wine since you’ll have a hangover tomorrow? Live for in the present day, not tomorrow. That’s what Charms is telling us. Truly, the Sour Apple Blow Pop is a profound sweet.
The Hard as a Diamond Award: Now and Later
You ever attempt to eat one of this stuff? You’ll shatter your dang tooth on the primary chew.
The Worst Candy within the Galaxy Award: Twizzlers
In the start of Back to the Future Part II, Doc Brown grabs a bunch of trash out of the dumpster at Marty’s home and makes use of it to gasoline the DeLorean with a brand new addition to the automotive referred to as Mr. Fusion. He indiscriminately grabs something from that dumpster that he can see, like banana peels, soggy egg cartons, and even an previous can of beer. He holds the liquid from the can in together with his finger as he walks it over to Mr. Fusion, after which pours the previous beer in and throws the complete can down after it, together with the remaining of his rubbish. Mr. Fusion is a smelly, soiled, disgusting mess.
That’s what Twizzlers style like.
The ‘Why Don’t We Have this within the USA’ Award: Japanese Kit Kats
This nation is caught within the rattling darkish ages in terms of Kit Kats. While they’ve for positive gone overboard with some of their flavors (Caramel Macchiato McFlurry, Wine, “Sports Drink”), many of them sound terrific. Green tea? Yes please. Wasabi? I guess horseradish and chocolate flavors are literally very good collectively. Step it up, America!
The Saboteur Award: The Bananas from Runts
In equity, Runts have been by no means that nice to start with, however the bananas have been next-level horrible. They appeared someway even more durable than the remaining of the already-petrified candies, and the style was in contrast to something I’d ever skilled. The different Runts — inexperienced apple, strawberry, orange, and grape — have been kind of equal, however these bananas have been like one thing out of a ghost story.
The ‘How Are You Still In Business?’ Award: Circus Peanuts
Circus Peanuts have been created within the 1800s. I assume that is additionally the date of the final time someone purchased Circus Peanuts.
Photo courtesy of Nestlé
The Stuck In Your Teeth for all Eternity Award: Butterfingers
Butterfingers are scrumptious, however at what value? I had a Butterfingers in 2002 and I’m fairly positive it’s nonetheless caught in my tooth.
The Outstanding Sour in a Non-Gummy Role Award: Warheads
A time-tested basic. Wonderfully bitter. Tasty fruity end. Eating a whole packet will burn a gap in your tongue for days.
The ‘Nobody Has Ever Actually Eaten This’ Award: Payday
From Wikipedia: “Payday is a candy bar consisting of salted peanuts rolled in caramel surrounding a firm nougat-like center.”
In different phrases, they took all of the elements of a sweet bar that complement chocolate and caught them collectively in some type of Frankenstein-style monstrosity. There is a purpose no one has ever truly eaten a Payday. I don’t plan on it any time quickly.
The Most Baffling Candy Award: PEZ
PEZ actually is wild, if you consider it. The shapes (little bars of cleaning soap) and flavors (some of them being Menthol, Yogurt, and “Fruit”) of the candies themselves are unusual, however nothing is stranger than the truth that with a purpose to correctly eat PEZ, you want to rip open the neck of a beloved character and tear the sweet out that method. I actually don’t get it.
The Toxic Waste Award: Good & Plenty
Good & Plenty virtually looks like a trick. All the opposite stuff of that form and measurement — Mike & Ike’s, Hot Tamales, Zours — are terrific. Good & Plenty lures you in with a false sense of consolation, and earlier than you recognize what’s occurring to you, you’re caught with the nightmarish flavors of licorice. To today, I’ve by no means met an individual who likes Good & Plenty. I’m positive this publish will convey ‘em out of the woodwork.
The ChocoMint Award: York Peppermint Patty
This was in all probability my hardest determination. Andes Mints have been an apparent favourite, however when it comes right down to it, temperature is the important thing. Both Andes and York are scrumptious frozen. A frozen Andes is best than a frozen (and even room temperature) York.
However, room temperature Andes merely won’t do. York is scrumptious at each temperatures, and since of that versatility, it deserves the trophy.
The ‘What Even Are You?’ Award: Milk Duds
What the hell are Milk Duds? Don’t Google them. Try to assume. Can you even describe a Milk Dud? Are they caramel? Are they milk? Is there one thing within the middle? Are they completely spherical or are they poofy and disjointed? Are they black, or darkish brown, or mild brown? The solely factor that is sensible to me about this sweet is the phrase “dud”.
The Most Disappointing Halloween Candy Award: Wax Lips
It was all the time such a bummer if you took a take a look at your haul and located some Wax Lips staring up at you. Honestly, for those who informed me they weren’t actually a sweet and truly have been simply items of wax formed like lips I might consider you.
The Everybody Makes Fun of Me For Liking This One Award: three Musketeers
Yeah, yeah, LAUGH IT UP. I’ve been listening to it my entire life. But guess what? It’s 2018 and Candy Shaming isn’t cool anymore. Nougat lovers unite! You not need to stay your lives in disgrace! Take delight! There are dozens of us!
The Yeah I Reckon I’ll Eat This Award: Milky Way
Milky Ways are good and effective, however no one ever actually craves a Milky Way. It’s principally the factor you eat when all of the opposite belongings you need are unavailable. Either 7-Eleven is out of Snickers, or anyone already ate all of the Krackel out of your bowl of chew measurement candies. Milky Way will do in a pinch, however that’s as a lot as you may give it.
The Easiest to Sharpen Into a Pike and Defeat Your Inferiors Award: Candy Canes
You know if you’re casually having fun with a sweet cane and you then look down and all of a sudden you’re holding a samurai-grade katana? Classic.
The Dark Horse Award: Reese’s Sticks
I’ve a hunch that Reese’s Sticks aren’t getting the fanfare they deserve, as a result of no one actually talks about them, however I’ll inform you proper now: they’re nice. Reese had the genius concept to principally flip his peanut butter cups into Kit Kats, and the result’s wondrous. If you’ve been too timid to succeed in for Reese’s Sticks, now’s your time. Reach for ‘em.