What Makes the Perfect Stoner Restaurant?

It is an age-old dilemma we now have all confronted: the clock has rolled over to 2:30 a.m., you and your mates are excessive as shit, and the starvation begins to creep in. It is the unmistakable temptation of the flower. Slow at first, it’s not lengthy earlier than the starvation consumes you and also you understand that you’d kill for a milkshake, a fist filled with mozzarella sticks, like three tacos, and a slice of Hawaiian pizza. But the place does one go to fulfill this urge for food? How might you probably tackle this vary of want?

Believe it or not, there was a quick time in Berkeley, California the place a restaurant existed to serve this actual objective. Munchy Munchy Hippos was the indisputably good stoner restaurant. It was a late night time (open 6:00 p.m. to four:00 a.m.) restaurant that served, as the identify implies, meals particularly designed to feed the hashish cravings of previous hippie burnouts and red-eyed school college students alike. The menu ranged from mashed potato taquitos to deep-fried strawberry cheesecake bites, to brisket-covered french fries, to assorted sweet, and far more. They had a piece particularly for finances eating referred to as the “I’m Broke” menu the place you might order a single Otter Pop or a scoop of buttered corn. Munchy Munchy Hippos was a stoner oasis, however it was a star that burned too brilliant. It has since shut down, leaving a chili-cheeseburger-sized gap in all of our hearts.

However, Munchy didn’t die in useless. It has offered a blueprint for what makes a superb stoner restaurant. We created a score system utilizing Munchy Munchy Hippos as a information. For every of the 4 classes under, an eatery shall be awarded factors based mostly on how nicely it meets qualifications. The factors are then added up, with the highest potential rating awarded being 50.

Menu – 20 Points

The most necessary and nuanced component right here by an extended shot. Yes, giant parts are nice, and clearly, greasy meals reigns supreme, however think about the significance of customization. The extra you’ll be able to Frankenstein your meal, the higher. The pleasure of including bacon and eggs to a cheeseburger, or mixing a slice of pie immediately right into a milkshake, can’t be overstated. Furthermore, whereas not a requirement, a worth menu is a pleasant bonus; low cost eats are appreciated by everybody.

Convenience – 15 Points

Straightforward, however so important. Walking distance is nice, however quick access by public transportation is good as nicely. Delivery may be clutch, however an extended wait time is a sluggish kiss of demise, and a sneaky payment or supply minimal popping up at checkout after poring over a menu on Grubhub for 25 minutes is the single most irritating expertise in all of human existence.

Environment – 10 Points

All of the belongings you would usually anticipate to make up a superb setting at any restaurant (clear, pleasant service, and so forth.) apply right here, with two essential additions. First is the “chill” issue. Even should you aren’t somebody who suffers from the occasional paranoia or nervousness when stoned, it’s essential that folks there (each employees and clients) aren’t susceptible to turning a judgemental eye in the direction of you and your folks whenever you begin laughing hysterically, or in case you are available smelling somewhat… natural. Second, the employees needs to be tolerant of lengthy or probably complicated orders. It’s surprisingly disheartening when your request to switch the roast beef in your French Dip with a bit of fried hen is met with a sigh or an eye fixed roll.

Food Quality – 5 Points

Last, and undoubtedly least, is the precise meals high quality. We would all wish to fake that our requirements when stoned aren’t as little as they’re, however there’s a cause no one eats Jack in the Box tacos sober. Of course the higher the meals is, the higher the expertise, however at a sure level, so long as it isn’t going to make you sick, the high quality issues rather a lot lower than it in all probability ought to.

Now that we’ve a correct scoring information, let’s maintain it up to some previous standbys and see how they fare.

Taco Bell

Menu: Some selection, nevertheless it’s primarily the similar eight components re-packaged 100 occasions until you’re at a “Cantina” which provides bizarre booze choices. Decent worth throughout the board. (13/20)

Convenience: Almost all quick meals has the advantage of many places and speedy service with the caveat that supply is never an choice with out the expensive help of supply providers like Postmates. The Bell matches that mould. (13/15)

Environment: Taco Bell not often has as a lot seating as, say, a Wendy’s, however it’s typically nicer than a mean quick meals restaurant. Also, principally everybody in a Taco Bell is both drunk or stoned, so no judgment shall be handed. (9/10)

Food Quality: What is the competitors right here? Chipotle? Del Taco? T-Bell is first in its class by a mile. (5/5)

Total: (40/50)


Menu: This is the place Denny’s shines. All day breakfast goes a great distance and milkshakes are an elite munchy deal with. They even have very affordable costs for all the meals you’re getting. It doesn’t get a lot better than this. (19/20)

Convenience: Denny’s are not often accessible by something aside from automotive, so until you have got a delegated driver or need to throw down for a Lyft, you’re out of luck. Only factors earned right here come from being open 24 hours, 7 days every week. (5/15)

Environment: Standard diner, which is a strong vibe. Only situation right here can be gruff, irritated truckers casting a essential gaze your approach, or a household touring by way of the night time with youngsters that offer you seems to be that make you are feeling responsible for being so excessive in public.  (7/10)

Food Quality: “Food” in identify and look solely. If you don’t know what to order (or what to keep away from) you can break a very good night time. (1/5)

Total: (32/50)

Little Caesars Pizza

Menu: Nothing particular when it comes to choice or customization, however a well-rounded lineup of pizza, wings, and various bread treats nonetheless. The cornerstone of their operation, the Hot-N-Ready, is lowkey one in every of the greatest worth gadgets in the quick meals recreation. (14/20)

Convenience: Pizza spots are all the time going to get a lift right here due to embedded supply, and the Hot-N-Ready earns them huge factors for eliminating all potential wait time for pickup orders. Points deducted for much fewer places than the competitors (14/15)

Environment: Rarely a dine-in choice, which could truly be a blessing. (three/10)

Food Quality: Sneaky good due to their garlic-powder-drenched crust. (four/5)

Total: (35/50)

Keep this scores device in your again pocket. Next time you end up with a late-night itch, use our trusty information as your munchy compass. You gained’t remorse it.


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